24 Scars

We grow up hearing that it doesn't matter what people say about you. We grow up being told that we should be ourselves. We grow up believing that it's what's INside that really counts.

We grow up and are slapped in the face by comments that tear us down and with it, everything we have ever been told about being an individual, about being unique and about not having to change ourselves to fit in with people's expectations.

They say "I can't believe you're wearing that!", "That's SO uncool...", "You're a strange one", "Calm down, don't talk so loud, don't be silly, grow up!, shhhh!"... and they go about their lives as though they haven't shattered our core beliefs and left us reeling from the shock. They draw attention to our shoes or the way we dress, the way we dance, the ideas we come up with, and they shoot us down and build themselves up by appearing "better" by comparison. Some are so unbelievable as to use their very next breath to wonder aloud why we can't just be FREE to be ourselves, to LET GO, to not care what anybody thinks about us.

Where do WE get off telling someone else how "cool" or "uncool" they are? Why do we assume that they desperately need our opinion? Sometimes I think it might be because someone else has a go at us, so we feel the need to speak up and have a go at someone else.

I've been thinking (over-thinking) lately... about a lot of things. I've been thinking about communication and how important it is; how it can mess things up and how a lack of it can mess everything up. More recently I've been thinking about my life, what I've done, what I haven't done, what I regret and what i could have (or should have) done differently... I'll be turning 24 soon and to be honest, that freaks me out. I'll never live today again. I'll never get another first 24 years of life to live. This is it. The past is exactly that and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I've wasted 24 years being insecure, feeling rejected, being easygoing and not standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs that I want to be noticed and I want to be heard and I have my own opinions. I've wasted years passing up opportunities because I figured somebody else would do a better job or I wasn't qualified. I've wasted years looking on, wanting to join in but holding back because of my uncertainties, my weight, my appearance, my fear, my doubts, my past (bad) experiences or because of things people said to me or things said about me that I overheard. I seem to have the unfortunate 'talent' of hearing/seeing/picking up on things that I wasn't meant to hear/see/notice. It annoys me when people can't just be straightforward. Even if it's not a very nice thing, it's slightly better to have said it than to have said it behind someone's back when that person KNOWS what's been said. It's so sneaky and cuts deeper than if you just spoke your mind.
I've given things up because I figured someone would do a better job or would "look more the part". I've let people walk over me and use me and treat me badly and hurt me and mock me, never fighting back. I've allowed people to underestimate me and mistreat me. 24 years is a long time. What have I accomplished? Whose life have I impacted? Who have I inspired? It's time I stopped over-thinking, over-analyzing everything, worrying about what I should or shouldn't say. And if anyone looks down on me or tells me I'm not behaving the right way, I am not going to sit back and let them judge me as I listen meekly, my heart filling with anguish, pain and doubt.

This is MY life. Am I who I wanna be?

This is Your Life
-Newsboys: In the Hands of God

This is not the warm-up round
This is not a trial heat
It can't be repeated when your time has gone

This is not an infinite resource
Or the prelude to a starter course
You don't send it back if it gets done wrong

This is your life
Treat yourself right
Treat others right
Live like you know you should
This is life
Fight the good fight
Fight for what's right
Do what you know you should

Every living soul completes
A finite number of heartbeats
This is not the sum of what you're here for

Every breath you take will be exhaled
Every rising sun will fall
The measure of it all is what you live for

You had a dream
But it got lost in a life of regret
The devil knows you get just one shot
You had a dream
Are you still dreaming or did you forget
That heaven's calling for your best shot

This is your life
Treat yourself right
Treat others right
Live like you know you should
This is life
Fight the good fight
Fight for what's right
Do what you know you should